Tags

, , , , , , ,

***************

UPDATE: I did not include orientations such as pansexuality and asexuality in this post originally. As I’m trying to avoid being oppressive toward people who have even less-known are more marginalized identities than mine, this is a no-no in my books. So I have included this where it seems relevant. Through most of the text, I refer to mainstream discussions, which tend to neglect orientations other than hetero, homo and bi (even the latter is tenuous). So I do think it’s important to bring in the wide variety of ways people experience sexuality or emotional attachment.

***************

I was so happy to see this article in my Facebook newsfeed. I’ve always been uncomfortable with the “Born this way” current. I don’t have a problem with individuals claiming to have been born a certain way since every individual has the sovereignty to understand their own self in the way(s) that make sense to them. But when people say WE are born this way, with the WE referring to all lesbian, gay and bisexual people, I see red. (There is a similar trend in trans* communities but I will save that for another rainy day as to avoid the all-too-common conflation between sexual orientation and gender identity.)

There are several reasons why I have a problem with the widespread application of “born this way.” For one thing, it sounds an awful lot like an apology to me. “It’s not our fault that we are not hetero – we were born this way!” As if it were something to be explained. Why do we need to explain why we are not hetero? Why do we need to justify this? Looking for an “excuse” just seems to pander to the mainstream view that sexual orientations other than hetero are anomalies in human sexuality.

The “born this way” declaration is all too often followed by: “Do you really think anyone would choose to be this way?” As though being “this way” was so inherently atrocious! Yes, I get that they are often referring to the difficulties that come along with being a part of an oppressed population. But since that oppression is not inherent, since it is purely social, cultural and political, it CAN and DOES change. So there is nothing essentially difficult about being lesbian, bisexual or gay. There are difficulties in LIVING OPENLY in these orientations in certain places and times. And that nuance is not always made when people claim that they would never, ever choose to be “this way.”

Then, of course, there is the whole problem with assuming that a biological cause for sexual orientation will magically make the hate go away. I’m not the first and I won’t be the last to point out that hatred sometimes manifests in ways that focus exactly on the biological causes for the things that the haters hate. Yes, I am talking about eugenics and related atrocities.

Now, when people say we are all “born this way”, it seems to be a stand against the “accusation” that this is a choice of lifestyle. Yes, there are groups out there, some of them religious right wing groups, that claim that people can magically stop being gay, bisexual or lesbian because it is a choice. And I understand why we would want to oppose that view along with the marketing of strategies to stop being “this way.” But I don’t think that going to the other extreme is useful at all. As Suzanna Walters points out in the article:

Sexuality is more complex than that. People change their sexuality over the long course [of their lives]

The “Born that way” versus “choice” argument itself vastly oversimplifies human sexuality and sexual orientation. In North America, and in much of the western world, we live in a time when sexual orientation is used as a catch all term for attraction, behaviour and identity. This is unfortunate and obscures the fine but important distinctions between all these aspects. I would say that there is a mix of predisposition and environmental impact on ALL of those aspects, making it impossible to distill this down to one or the other.

For example, we might have some predispositions to be attracted (or not) to certain types of people based on their (perceived) sex or gender, their body type, the shape of their nose, whatever. But one would be hard-pressed to dispute that the society one grows up in, with all its norms about appearance, impact what one comes to see as sexy. Many more people would be attracted to fatties, I think, if we didn’t grow up in a society that vilified fat. Many more people would be open to being something other than hetero if we grew up in a society that didn’t belittle non-hetero orientations.

Of course, some proponents of “born this way” use this last thing to justify their argument. “See? The pull is so strong that we wind up doing it even in a society that represses us! Proof that we are BORN THIS WAY!” Unfortunately, that frame of mind, in my view, leads down a path that actually diminishes choice and obscures the fluidity of attraction. For instance, many people who have bisexual attractions hide them to fit into the “gay” community. We grow up in a binary society and, even if homosexuality has begun to be described as a valid way to be to the upcoming generations, there is still a tendency to frame things in this binary way: “you are gay or straight. You can’t be “in between”, at least not for long, and you CERTAINLY can’t change.” I have met many lesbian and gay identified people who, decades after coming out, acknowledged an attraction to members of the opposite sex (whatever that means), after repressing this attraction for so long because their society (or sub-culture) told them who they were supposed to be attracted to. Then of course there is the idea that everyone is sexual, or that there are no other orientations than hetero, homo and bi. There is a wide range of sexual and emotional orientations. There are people who are asexual, pansexual, omnisexual and others. There are people who don’t consider themselves to have a sexual orientation. Lots of ways of being. Born this way? Choice? Neither?

When it comes to behaviour, I’m not a behavioural psychologist, and I never plan to be one, but as a human with self-awareness and observational skills, I know that behaviour of all kinds, including sexual behaviour, is extremely complex. What leads us to act on our impulses? Biological programming? Too simple. Choice? That’s too simple too. Human sexual behaviour is complicated: we cannot boil it down to genes OR choice. We have drives, and we choose whether or not to act on them – but both these drives and these choices are deeply influenced by all kinds of things, some of which we are aware of and others of which we are not. Like pretty much everything that we do, there is a complex interplay of biology and culture at play.

Finally, the big one (for me): identity. Sometimes, when I give sexual diversity 101 type presentations, some people ask me: “OK, but why do people have to make this a part of their identity? Why does the gender (or genders) of the people you have sex with or love have to be a part of your identity?” My response is usually that it DOESN’T have to be that way but that people who have been historically marginalized tend to band together, and the factor of oppression that they share, becomes an important part of their identity. But this hasn’t always been the case everywhere in the world. There have been places and times when people’s sexual behaviour did not factor into their identity because, as long as one fulfilled one’s social duties, often related to production and reproduction, one’s “for pleasure” sexuality had little to do with how they were perceived in their society.

All that to say that there is no “natural” link between one’s sexual behaviour and one’s identity. As humans, we categorize the world in a million and one ways, and these ways change from place to place and across time. Maybe someday we will again live in a time and place where sexual behaviour is just another thing about a person. Until then, social processes lead to people categorizing others and categorizing themselves. Choice? Well, there are individuals who don’t categorize themselves according to their sexuality. How many celebrities have “come out” as being attracted to more than one gender, only to be labeled as gay by the media or the masses?

There are many more arguments to be made but I’m trying to keep this short (HA!) Bottom line is this: it shouldn’t matter whether people are “born this way” or choose to identity a certain way. I agree with Walters when she says:

You don’t need to rely on flimsy science, on notions of compulsion, on notions of immutability, in order to make a strong case for civil rights.

The struggle is about mutual respect and liberation from oppressive norms. And when I hear people claim that all people like me are “born this way”, I feel oppressed and trapped by a discourse that completely neglects my reality. You can say anything you want about your own body, spirit and sexuality. But don’t fuck with mine.